the envy and shame of begging for love
i hate that i am never truly free from my mother's influence. i hate that my perception on life is so deeply wounded and shaped around the empty space she left in my childhood and the abuse she subjected me to throughout my years as a teenager.
how do you ask for love when the person who is meant to love you unconditionally, does not? how do you think that you are worthy of love when the warmth that you were birth from does not want you?
its a common train of thought that i , personally, find humiliating to keep crying about. im a grown adult and i still cry about the fact that " mommy doesnt love me " (sarcasm on the last note). but is it truly supposed to be this humiliating? a kinder part of me tries to tell myself that of course its something to cry about, i was a part of her, i will never have a connection as deep as that - and instead of love she sees a wallet. any normal person would be sad about that, surely!
another part of me, meaner, angrier, just wants me to move on. we've tried before, we've tried so much for her to love us but we always get disappointed in the end when the cycle continues.
i wish there was something out there that can just tell me how to feel, to let me know what emotions to have so i can just work to that and live my life. grace or anger? forgiveness or spite? looking past or demanding justice?
these feelings, frustratingly, tend to rear its ugly head outside of my complicated bubble of maternal issues.
i've been going out of the house more in hopes of feeling normal. i dont think theyre working because i might be approaching them in an incorrect manner. i've been going out doing things that ive seen or heard my friends do with their family in hopes it would fix something in me.
i've gone on early morning walks, to the farmer's market to buy veggies for the day, last week i went as far as go to church, occupying a set at a pew as i begged god in prayer to please fix me. make me worthy of love. make me someone that is worthy of being taken cared of.
i cried through the mass. no one bothered me for that hour.
just today, i went out again. i tried going out for lunch, then coffee, then groceries. all i got was splashed on by cars, drenched in the rain, and bad stomach aches when i got home. im probably going about this all wrong. maybe it isnt supposed to make me feel good when im alone.
i preach about love and kindness so often but all i really am is this envious, lying monster. i see my friends - people i choose to see like family - go on and have fun adventures with their own families or go on and create big milestones in their life and while i feel genuinely happy that theyre not in this hole with me...its like theres this ugly second head in my torso that is throwing a tantrum that they aren't in the trenches with me. that i should be resentful that they aren't by my side
which is wrong ! and it isnt what i want to feel but i frustratingly do! but at this moment i feel like i need to beg for time and attention but all together i feel like im not entitled to that anyways. im not their sibling, im not their lover, i do not think i have the right to cry or demand attention from them.
or am i just so used to being in the wings? am i just so used to being looked over?
im not very sure, i think ive just devolved this into a vent piece, its not pleasant to feel all of these feelings of resent and envy. it isnt fair to them, they dont know im hurting like this.
i feel guilty saying all of this too. i always feel guilty crying for love, i have a wonderful partner, we've been going out for so long now but being oceans and hours apart make it so suffocating for the times she isnt around.
i wish i didnt crave love like this. i wish i knew how to ask for time from my friends, i wish i mattered enough for them to ask how im doing, for them to break from comfort and see this ugly mess i made
i wish, i loved myself enough to ask. that i saw myself as worth the change. but at the end of the day, its easier to say if my own mother cannot love me, why would anyone else?
ill keep looking for answers, frustratingly, i dont want to give up.
its sunday again tomorrow, i wonder if god has space for another lost child again.