living room family
by the grace of the universe, i have been happy these past few months. barring the fact that i was shook to my core because i thought id be homeless, i think ive been happy recently.
i still have bad days, of course, and i still stress out about things like job security (i work in the game industry), and bills, and such, but i think those are just normal adult things. and im happy about those problems, i like having normal adult problems...i can control these i can make them go away i dont feel helpless when i encounter them.
sometimes i worry that when im happy i wont have the ability to write or create anything, that i need to be in this deep state of grief to make something compelling to read but i dont think thats the case, or at the very least im trying to tell myself that its not the case.
i am not totally free of sadness, i am human so i will crave for a life that is better. but sometimes you flow into such a routine that you forget things are that way. and sometimes the grief strikes you and gets you out of nowhere.
i was scrolling through tiktok when i caught a term that was circling around. "living room family", it was. the term came up in a comment from a video on my feed, a mother was video taping her kids babbling about game techniques to their father and the mother was smiling at her "nerds".
you're definitely a living room family , the comment said.
which quite simply means that theyre a family that hangs out in their living room, that theyre secure enough to play and be in the common space of their house. i wonder what that is like. im so used to empty halls or thundering voices that my bedroom is the only place ive ever known.
even now, that i live alone with my father, i am in my room all the time, granted i am hanging out with my friends and im working my fulltime job and all but...i wonder what it would be like to have a proper relationship with my father. i supposed its hard to have a heart felt conversation with someone when he can barely speak english and when i can barely speak japanese. we try, i buy him small gifts and he makes sure (or tries to, when he remembers) that i eat well. we try. we love each other. but i wish it was better, i wish i was better at this whole family thing.
i will have another shot one day. i have plans to have an apartment with my best friend (practically my sister) and her partner in the future. im asking my own partner to be part of that life too. this second chance that we get, i want to make sure we get to be a living room family too.
its a bit odd to look forward so hopefully to the future. i am still getting used to it.
i hope you feel that too. today, tomorrow, or someday.
be kind to yourself today, my friend. until next time!