i think theres something about growing up in a very love insecure household that makes it very difficult for me to accept love and care from the people around me. i have friends who have literally offered to house me during my (sadly now very common) homelessness scares, to help pay off the debt of a woman they only know through my frustrated cries. they treat me with so much love and kindness that my heart is constantly full to the brim. the love usually overflows from my heart and leaves as tears in my eyes.

something about knowing that my mother truly does not love me makes me constantly wonder "what the hell do these wonderful people see in me? what do they see that is worthy of love that my mother cannot?"

and then i force myself to remember that i fought like hell to be where i am now as a person. that i am constantly fighting back the nurture of my environment to be what my mother can not. will not. will never be.

in every instance of love in my life (romantic, platonic, and otherwise) i try my best to be there for them. for as long as i am in their life, i will make sure they will never doubt that i love them. you will never wonder if the keeper¹ wants you around because the answer will always be yes!

a friend of mine said something really eye opening a few months ago. "we can't help it. whether we like it or not we are the people we are now because of our parents."

i dont hide my emotions well. they immediately saw my expression turn sour. not me ! i thought. i am my own being! i took care of myself all these years, i am surviving and forging my own identity without her! i hate her, dont you dare relate me to her again--

" you too, keeper. you especially. you are always trying to be kind and gentle to others especially because you dont want to be your mother."

and i fell silent. conflict to my core. anger that i will never truly be free from my mother.

my friend is right, as much as that thought displeases me. i will always have to remember the woman my mother is so that i can love the way she is not capable of.

i will walk the opposite way, mother. i will do the work of undoing you from me. i hope one day i am capable of extending the love i have for my friends and learn to love myself in the same way.

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1. sorry, i decided to call myself this, is that alright? i dont feel to keen to drop my name. it adds to the mystery i think. for you to know my inner most thoughts and feelings but not know my name.↩