I. the people of thedas

i lived in a province here in the philippines for a while, ive grown up and gone to school with the same people for years. until one day i didnt. my mother - and believe me i will write a lot about my mother - plucked me away from that life to be with her. any child would be fine with that, but my mother was a stranger to me. i better knew the back of my yaya's slipper as my maternal figure than the woman that gave birth to me.

so i had to start over in my teens and my mother believed that now that i was 15 i was old enough to know every dirty secret in my family. that i need to be grateful of every little thing i have because it can go away just as quick, because we were falling into debt. the allure of the coins and the fine hotel rooms in the bright and glimmering casinos in manila had the woman by a choke hold.

that for her vice - i must suffer and worry.

i didnt cope well. instead i turned to a game on my older sister's PC. i fell in love with the world of Thedas.¹ i immersed myself in dragon age and for a few hours i was not stressing over money i cannot earn, i was not worried about impressing a woman who suddenly decided she was to be important in my life. for a few hours, i was the inquisitor - the chosen of Andraste, i was the leader of the inquisition and i had a band of loyal followers who will go into deadly battle with me. i had kinship, i had a place to be.

i like to thank dragon age for being here, i want to thank the dev team that made it². its because of them and thedas that i am alive today. its because of DA that i have a goal that i know will fulfill me. if i as a game developer can be part of a team that makes someone's dragon age. if the result of my work has made just one person look forward for better days. i will have lived a full life.

II. the professor

in college i took a philippine literature class and each week we had to write some sort of essay that was in theme with the reading. my god, there was so much talk about love, and family, and childhood. so much of the literature that we read were dreamy idolizations of a younger and simpler time. most of the time it was the author reminiscing their childhood in the philippine province.

i hated writing essays about my childhood.

there was nothing idyllic about the empty halls of my home, nothing to look back on but the wake of destruction my mother left in her wakes of anger. but i wrote anyways, i think i was so far into college that i didnt give a damn about holding up appearances from professors i only saw on screen.

so i wrote. about the neglect, the abuse, the narcissist who brought me into this world. and i honestly expected the usual "oh but she's your mother, you still need to love her" "she's trying her best too" "other people have it worse" spiel...but i never got that.

instead he told me that my essay was so insightful and that i was able to capture how the world of a child is just as complex as the one of an adult. how my words deserved publication.

ive been told to shut up and stay quiet so often in my life and this man who i will never see in real life said my words deserved to be heard.

i cried every essay i wrote after. it was one of the most fulfilling 4's i got in college.

A lot of writers have wounds, and it is this hidden impetus that drives them to what they do. - the professor ³

III. the table

i run two dungeons and dragons table. i have 12 consistent players and i am so thankful to have them. it almost always brings me to tears when someone from the table asks about lore or asks for my insight on the journey so far. im so grateful that they make time for me and my silly game and my silly story.

i am glad that they think my words are worth saying. i can only hope that maybe orion is someone's dragon age.

if you are from the table. hello, i love you. thank you for being my friend. i treasure you so deeply.

so many small things in life have left such a big mark on me. a videogame. a professor's comment. a hobby.

i wonder if i can make a big mark on someone's life. i wonder if i already have.

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1. apparently this means 'the dragon age setting', i dont know if thats real but that is so endearing to me↩

2. note to self: i should probably write about the game dev industry, it saddens me that a lot of the original folk that made my beloved game have left the bioware↩

3. i wrote him an email before i graduated, telling him about how his words stuck to me. i thanked him, something we dont do often enough to our educators. this was a part of the email he sent me. we need more teachers like him.↩